Cliffs

This, man.  Just... this.

If life is a parade, we don’t stop because of rain (contrary to the idiom). First, because if we are marching and tossing our batons with real love and trust, rain can’t do a dang thing to our intention. In fact, unforeseen weather can crispen our focus if we let it in without agenda. But also because weather is unpredictable and delivers what it will and, I believe, it is our high job to realign our mission and dedicate ourselves to the most important things.

I feel like this is my life-long quest.  To 'dedicate [myself] to the most important things'.  Even as a little girl, I remember thinking "how can I be really real and really good?"  Trauma and pain brings these impulses to the forefront.  "I need to have my life mean something to honor them/him/her."  New ways to be real and to be meaningful hit me in flashes, and it's a transcendant wonderful feeling.  Gardening?  Charitable giving?  Calling every friend in my address book?  Meditating? Being a foreign service officer/university advisor/doula? I throw myself off the cliffs of these ideas headfirst joyfully.

But then I hit the water.  Hard.  Because constantly searching for ways to better yourself implies that you're not really good enough as you are.  So I flounder.  I sit on the couch and watch Netflix all night.  I eat crap food.  I don't call my sisters.  I am not good enough.  And each headlong attempt is another moment where I'm drowning in deep water.

I need to learn how to jump feet first from a lower rock first and test the waters of new ideas before diving in.  To go back to Nici's quote, I think that starts with love and trust.

So much falls into place when we choose love. And with love comes her sister wives: trust, contentment, optimism, empathy, communication and drive.

Just, love.  I think I'll give that a shot.