I've been in a funk today. It started with a coworker sharing that she hasn't felt supported by my team, and has spiraled out from there. I've even remembered the lessons from the Stress Management discussion, and tried to move around and laugh as much as possible. It's helped some, and that's probably the only reason why I'm just in a funk, instead of a full depression event; and why I'm able to write about it now and share, instead of internally judging myself into a frenzy. But it's still there. This instagram photo didn't help.
That beautiful building is on the college I graduated from, and I proudly rang that bell when my finals were all finished and my thesis was turned in. Looking at the photo, I realized it was one of the last times I felt like I really knew what I was doing with my life professionally. I was going to earn a social justice graduate degree, and then be on my way to making a serious and impacting difference in the world. I was a soon to be Bryn Mawr graduate, damn straight I was going places. There was a legacy to uphold, and when I rang that bell, I was a part of it.
But now? Now I don't know what's in store for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a boat without a rudder, unable to move forward purposefully. I'll grab a floating spar and use it as an oar "Ooo! Property Manager!" for a bit, but realize that I'm just rowing myself in circles. Other times, a channel will appear in the distance "WELL! I could be a doula!" and I'll start towards the inlet, and get blown off course. The depressive part will reproach myself for these events "Look at that, failed to move forward again", but my reason will counter that the river goes where it goes, and I'm doing all I can.
Still doesn't stop that rudderless funk though. Where's the dock for a break and tune up when you need one?