Full Force Friend Magic

Hello friends, it's been a while. In the past 12 weeks, some pretty heavy changes have shook me up. First, I got dumped. Then two weeks later, I got a huge raise. Life is weird sometimes.

I hesitated writing about the break up for a long time. "Is it too personal? Is this appropriate?" But again and again, I'm reminded by my favorite bloggers that vulnerability = strength. Hiding and closing things off isn't. So, a relationship that had lasted for 3.5 years is over. It was a surprise, and the end was handled very poorly. I was knocked off my feet.

But a wonderful thing happened. Instead of landing on my ass on my (non-vacuumed) rug, I landed in the arms of my friends. This thing, this ending, that I had secretly feared and fretted over and absolutely dreaded until I felt sick to my stomach, happened. Our relationship was over. The bad thing happened. But it wasn't that bad. The world didn't fall apart, and most importantly, I didn't fall apart either. I reached out to friends and asked for their help. "I will need you in the next month. Please be there." And they were. Full force love magic surrounded me. Those friends and family were there for me. For months (years??) I had been so afraid that I would be 'less than' on my own. Instead, I discovered that I was 'more than'. I had more love, more time, more goals. It was kind of amazing. My life was full of friends.

About a month ago, I had a flurry of dating experiences. While good for me in a certain way (confidence, getting that 'first kiss since' out of the way); I think I'm going to take a dating siesta. I want to get back to that feeling of friend magic, but now without the raw break up pain. I want to create a life for myself that is full and amazing. I want to be a wild and strong broad in a collective of equally wild and strong broads. I don't think I can be that if I'm focusing on being charming and cute. It feels sacrilegious to say this, but f*ck charming. I'm gonna be bold and vast.

As Heather Havrilesky said (before Ask Polly moved to NYMag)

You need to have a vision of life alone, stretching into the future, and you need to think about how to make that vision rich and full. You have to put on an artist's mindset and get creative and paint some portrait of yourself alone that's breathtaking. You have to bring the full force of who you are and what you love to that project.

And then you go out into the world with an open heart, and you let people into your life, and you listen, and you embrace them for who they are. You make new friends. You do new things that make you feel more like the strong single woman who owns the world that's in your vision.

I'm so glad I didn't shave my pits for those dates.

Amanda Palmer in Concert